My friend told me he was recently involved in an “epic incident.” Since we go to different colleges, I asked him what happened. He sent me the following excerpt from his resident advisor’s logbook. I assume he received it in the mail with the rest of the notice that said his school was suspending him for a semester.

Incident Narrative: April 11, 2009

RA Christensen was walking by Blanca and could hear a party coming from apartment 206 from outside. I went up to knock on the door, and Adam [friend in question] answered the door in a thong that said “Your place or mine”. He would not let me in the room because he said the girls are stripping. I was concerned and asked him if I could just take a peak. When I glanced in I saw around 10 people half naked or naked both guys and girls dancing. I became very uncomfortable and did not know how to respond to the situation. I told Adam that he could not be having this party, and I thought that the risk for an unwanted sexual advance was very high. He was not compliant and told me that he wanted to be written up. Feeling uncomfortable, I left and called campus safety to deal with the situation. I realize that it might be technically allowed, but it was raising MANY red flags in my mind. I can see people regretting that night later. When I walked outside, I could see people dancing and grinding naked on the tables. The blinds were not open but I was able to see through the blinds and one open window. Campus safety came, but I do not know the result of the situation. Also the night before, I saw Austin Martinson in the apartment dancing on a table in a thong with the blinds open, so I called the RA on duty.

Once I stopped laughing, I realized this report creates more questions than answers. Some of these questions led me to believe RA Christensen is incompetent:

• Why did Adam answer the door in a thong? Have the decency to put on a bra or a bathrobe. Perhaps he was expecting an invited guest, but it’s still a big risk.
• It’s funny that the incident report is called an “incident narrative,” as if it has to be a well told story.
• The RA wanted to “just take a peak.” This language made him/her sound like a peeping Tom implicit in the debauchery. I would’ve used “examine the situation.” It’s interesting that the RA noted his/her own psychological state: “did not know how to respond to the situation.” I doubt many people, other than those who’ve been living nudist colonies, would.
• “The risk for an unwanted sexual advance was very high.” At first, this seems possible, but on second thought, how could there possibly be “unwanted” sexual advances. Adam most likely planned the party as one giant sexual advance. We know that the ten participants at this point were either naked or half-naked. Anyone who’s feeling uncomfortable would’ve left or at least stopped dancing. It’s hard to imagine someone who couldn’t foresee a sexual advance at that point.
• Why did Adam want to be written up? How could he be both “not compliant” and willing to be written up? Why was he/she such a buzzkill by calling campus safety without first trying to stop the party him/herself or at least giving some advance warning?
• “I was able to see through the blinds” Did the RA have x-ray vision?
• The last sentence is completely unrelated to the incident at hand. Was Austin’s apartment the same as Adam’s? Austin could’ve been dancing in a thong by himself for all we know.

If you have answers or theories, please post them below.