A friend of mine who recently graduated from college told me (s)he “used a dating site to ease a transition and came to terms with newfound promiscuity.” I shudder to think what the last part of that description even means. I encouraged my friend to write a post for my blog and enlighten me about his/her life after college. I was hoping for a witty David-Foster-Wallace-esque narrative. I received something à la Daily Intel’s Sex Diaries. Complete confidentiality was a stipulation given the sensitive nature of the info below. Like Ira Glass says before he plays a This American Life program that contains slightly mature content: for those with young children, the below piece of writing “acknowledges the existence of sexual acts.”
Day 1
12p.m.: I fly back into the country. On the subway to the office, a girl from my flight sits next to me. I recognize her because of her enormous hiking backpack. She’s lost, I try to offer directions. We agree to go out to bars that night.
9p.m.: After work, I text girl from flight. She wakes up from a nap at the hostel. We agree to meet downtown.
11:30p.m.: Meet her after getting lost, at which point she came out and walked five blocks to find me. She looks good: heels, tight shirt, wavy blonde hair. She’s with her college guy friend and some people she met at the hostel at a bar. Find out she and her friend are not dating.
12a.m.: We go clubbing. I get the number of a friend of hers from the hostel, but she seems not to be interested in talking to me.
1:30a.m.: I text a girl who I went on a date with before I left the country. Suggest that I should meet her later. She agrees to find a place and pay for it.
2a.m.: Pry myself from hostel crew. The plane girl really doesn’t want me to go, but they see me booty call texting because the screen of my phone is enormous.
2:30a.m.: I meet the other girl, and we go to a cheap place she finds for the night. Sex with her is rougher than I’m used to. She’s really curvy, which is also new for me. She gets upset because I don’t want to go down on her. I don’t care.
Day 2
1p.m.: Wake up from some pretty horrible dreams. We both walk awkwardly to an intersection. She asks if I’ll call her back. I never call back girls who ask that.
1:30p.m.: Plane girl texts me to say that she’s on a bus leaving the city. I tell her I’m sorry to see her go. She asks if I had a good time last night with curvy girl. I lie and say I went straight home. I tell her I’m sad to have missed hearing her sing karaoke last night. She calls me a charming liar.
2:30p.m.: Guy staying at my place wrote a Post-It asking if I’m okay. I’m glad he’s staying over, because I want to get my mind off the events of last night.
3:30p.m.: Curvy girl texts me to tell me that I have the best kiss. I delete her number.
Day 3
5p.m.: I have a date with a short girl from suburban PA whose entire family is made up of churchgoers. We find a restaurant where the only thing we order is breaded chicken, dumplings and beer. She somehow lets slip that her boyfriend of three years died a long time ago. I completely tune out because she talks really aggressively.
6p.m.: She says she’s very good at pool, so we go to the billiards. We don’t talk mostly. I lose every game. I say bye and go home.
7p.m.: Curvy girl texts me again and tells me that I’m going to give boys of my ethnicity a bad name if I give her the silent treatment. Afraid that she will stalk me down and stab me, I tell her she’s nice but I can’t see anyone right now.
11p.m.: Friend asks me how date went. I grumble and shake my head. I tell him that I’m about to give up trying not to be an asshole.
Day 4
9a.m.: Work all day.
1p.m.: I check my dating site mail during work. Still have a habit of opening the site in an incognito window. There’s a few girls I promised to meet but didn’t. Wonder if this is too much.
Day 5
9a.m.: Work all day.
12p.m.: Start emailing one girl who lives a few hours away. She can’t come to the city, but I think I would like her. She’s taking a year off from school to work at a screen golf place.
2p.m.: We chat on the phone. I find out she’s bi. I wonder what it is with me and bi girls.
Day 6
8:30am, After my friend leaves the apartment, I jack off. I think about the bi girl from the suburbs. She’s just my size and looks pretty cute in her work clothes, the pictures of which she sent me yesterday.
9a.m.: Work all day.
11am, Increasingly convinced that my coworker has a crush on me. She flirts way more than is necessary to maintain an amusing work atmosphere. I try to ignore it.
Day 7
9a.m.: Work all day.
10p.m.: Drinks with coworkers. I text my whereabouts to my friend so that he doesn’t worry about me. I’m a little relieved that he has a committed boyfriend and a little foolish for assuming he would have a crush on me otherwise.
Totals: One blowjob, one act of intercourse, one act of masturbation, one date, some random flirtation.